Ridiculous Me

Nancy Love Photography

     
     I close my eyes and imagine that everything I would like to be true... is... 

     I open them and receive a kiss from my dearest friend Reality... she says to me "Sweetheart.. that world doesn't exists in anyones else's eyes but yours... n that's what makes you.. you. It's not a horrible thing to dream and hope, if anything it's those thoughts that keep you from going mad." 

     I sometimes hate being a girl... especially in my shoes. I'm a hopelessly romantic fuck. I want the fairy tale that isn't real. I'm the type of person that thinks but never speaks up for herself. I'm too much of a push over sometimes and I hate that people take advantage of it... Inconsiderate people know how to push my buttons. 

     Realize that everything is changing Nancy Love... stop trying to make things what they use to be... it's not going to happen. It's either gonna get better or worse. You're happy place no longer exists. You have to start again and find yourself.

     I crave this constant need for attention. I don't know what kind of attention though.. it varies in most cases I suppose. To be hugged and smiled at, feeling wanted and not just there. To be looked at as a someone and not as a no-one. Not having that feeling of being ignored from the people you feel give a fuck. 
     Excuse my being melodramatic. 
     My mind won't let me rest and I believe it is the reason why I haven't been myself.

Closed Walls

  
 I need to get out of this place. I really do... I feel as if I'm suffocating and no one can hear me scream. It's the same story everyday. I wish for change yet I do nothing about it?
     I think I need that push. This lousy job is what's keeping me stable for the time being.. but it's also the place where I'm wasting most of my days in. I don't get to enjoy the day; except from behind a double glass that's cemented shut to the walls.
     I keep having weird nightmares and waking up shaking.. two of the times I woke Georgie up.. we've been sleeping away from each other lately so it's a good thing he doesn't wake up.. I hate bothering him with nonsense shit... he's been stressing out and so have I.. about different things.. but even then so it's been getting to us both... sigh*
     What to do, what to do!! 
     I've been thinking of things we can do to keep our creative minds busy and set aside all the work we HAVE to do for a bit.. seems as if all we're striving for is a difference. 

"You must be the change you seek" -Gandhi

She Who Shall Not Be Named...

Georgie and Nancy photo-shoot

The title catches your eye doesn't it.. kinda reminds me of HP Lord Voldemort or however his name is spelled.

     Apparently I can't let this whole situation go. I can't tell you in person because I fear I will cross the line and put you in your place. I hate the person you are.. I really do.. and what sucks for me is that there is only one other person on this earth that I hate.. and I don't hate easily. I wish you would leave us alone. Just go on about your life and let us live ours, we have a home together. We've shared laughs and tears, none of them involving you. You bother me because you keep coming back. The thought of you grosses me out and although you might have "grown-up" and "changed"; you're still the person who caused my heartache; to me that crosses the line; making you a wretched person. What did I say you were before? Oh yes, right, a Home-wrecking Scum bag in human form.  I wish Sweetheart would understand. He hasn't really told me what his opinion is on this whole thing.. Just kinda blows it off n says he loves me... but does he really want you out of the picture?? I don't know. He likes talking to you, I know that. I wish he would stop talking to you because he wants to and not because he feels he has to. You're mind-fucking him all the time. Just go away.. I don't mind him speaking with other women, it's just You that I mind. Me and him are stronger because of you and for that I thank you. I know it "doesn't" matter anymore, but if it's bothering me this much then yes.. it does matter. You keep coming back like a Chihuahua who won't stop humping our leg.

     I've been in love once, I'll say it a million times.. but if it's possible; I feel I love Sweetheart more than ever,  {[at this point I walked into Borders Book Store and started talking things over with Georgie]} more than mother. Maybe... <<-- (that part was him being silly) Actually yes I believe so.. in fact I love them both the same but in VERY DIFFERENT ways..

Totally out of proportion =P My conversation with Georgie began and we started typing back and forth to each other even though we were sitting right across the table from one another <3


Nancy: "Gosh... I'm sorry I overreacted and became a Loon.. I shouldn't have but it's the only way to move on and be US again.. get it??"

Georgie: "So the only way to get through this is for you to go crazy??"

Nancy: " Yes. Well.... on some occasions.. I didn't want a little green monster eating up our relationship.. IT did once before and I just couldn't let it happen again.. In a way it's like those random times when you just BLOW UP out of no where and leave me all confused.. and little by little you begin to tell me what's bothering you. I'm slightly different than most ladies, so if I get all crazy, it's only because I care and believe that we have something good going here with us,  just try to keep up. "

Georgie: "Well gosh it sometimes puts us in a rut and I don't want to be those couples that have lame arguments that could have been handled out in a much better way. I only say that  because I felt like I was back in high school and that frustrated me a lot and made me get impatient with you. I understand you hate her so so much, but you only let her win when we're both going down in flames. Lets forget about her please and go on without her being brought up. If she tries to get our attention again, we'll ignore her. I'm sorry I don't do the right thing all the time."

Nancy: " Yes I agree it does put us into a rut, I've never been one to argue, you know that.. how do you think it could've been handled in a different way?? If I ignored it then WE wouldn't be ok and therefor ended badly.. That's why I didn't act upon her stupidity when she ran out of the gym like a pathetic hyena and grabbed your ass then was cowardly enough to surpass my presence, disrespecting me in front of you, yet I did nothing; I did nothing because I am the bigger person here.. If I would've, then it would've brought me down to her level. But I didn't ... I talked it over with you instead.. it's my way of handling things... Babe I don't expect you to be perfect and DO the right thing all the time.. if anything it's you're imperfections that draw me closer to you <3 the past is the past and there's nothing you nor I can do about it... but since she is "present" I let it get to me.. I shouldn't have but it did.. I'm human.. and you have to try and understand where I'm coming from; just put yourself in my shoes.. You did nothing wrong, but you didn't consider the situation a problem either.. I'll drop it.. and you know I mean it when I say.. I promise. Just as long as she doesn't get involved anymore, everything will be good in my book..... Yes?"

Georgie: "Yes."

Nancy: "Do you believe me?" (I only ask this because you're making a face)

Georgie: "Yes, yes I do. Can we talk to each other like normal people now? We're only 2 feet away from each other."

Nancy: Yea lol

"I love you.."

"I love you more ;] "

PS to my Readers: I'm better at writing down what's on my mind, so Georgie figured that by having this "conversation" it would help our little dispute.

Spectacular Mornings

     

I thought I'd share this... Georgie made this video because I mentioned to him that I could never see the sun rise from my window. He set his camera to take a picture ever few seconds and put them together to make this. I'm not sure who the song is by. If you want to know just ask me and i'll find out <3

Just another thought...

Georgie n I at Macy Park

     We met on a tragic day.
     Justin had passed away from cancer just a few days prior to our knowledge of each others existence. I will always remember that day. I was sitting on a bench outside wearing a black dress a little above my knee with heels as high as I could take. I couldn't believe he was actually gone; never feeling the warmth of his hugs for the last time or encountering his smile as we walked into the room that he filled with laughter and happiness.
     My skin was as pale as a winter itself and my lips red as wine. Marco and Andrew approached me and brought along a friend. He was introduced to me as George; this scrawny boy with long hair who couldn't keep himself still.
     We all laughed and caught up with each others lives; and just like that... the night ended.
     A year passed and Aerial was having a kick back gathering for her birthday. Her intentions where to "hook" me up with a friend of her boyfriends who had apparently been wanting to meet me. I don't praise myself as a piece of meat to be shared with just anybody. I wanted to hang out with someone... different. No one that I usually hang out with. I came across Georgies number and asked this particular guy whom I've been speaking with through text what he was doing. We ended up meeting that night for the first time since Justins wake and spent all morning till about 5am in the car listening to tunes and getting to know about each other. After that morning we started hanging out more and more. 
     I miss our carefree outings when we'll just hang out at Macy Park, lay on a sheet and ramble about everything and nothing all in one. We made photography happen. He taught me how to love Rock Band and we soon became two nerds who spent most of their evenings playing and singing cover songs.
     Although everything now is great. It seems as if reality has slapped us in the face and told us GROW UP or you'll be fucked. There's nothing wrong with growing up but I'm only 20 years old. I feel like I'm 60 sometimes. I'm tired and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball, put on my cool socks, blast my ipod, and read my book under a yellow umbrella (an ACTUAL umbrella, yes it makes me feel better). 

     Oh father time if you could just hold still... just for a moment.

Tomorrow Never Knows..

My old house

My General Manager passed away this morning from a heart attack in the gym.. it hasn't really sunk in that he's gone and that I will no longer see him again. It was just yesterday too that he was patting his finger tips together as he looked at the computer screen in wonderment as if thinking about what's to become of this company. Wow. No complains about him either. Really. If he would have been a mean indulgent asshole then it would be no biggie. But he was actually very chill. Didn't know him very well because he's only been with our company for less than two months.  It just get's me thinking... will I be here tomorrow? 

Sincerely, Yourself.

This is my teddy bear Nessa, I've had her since I was 7.

     I need help finding out where I belong. IF I belong that is. I'm pretty random and get easily sick of routine so there's probably no particular place for me to stay permanently. 

PS: Hang in there Nancy. You'll turn out fine.

Sincerely,

     Yourself.

Rocky Horror

     This is an old picture.. Well not that old =)

     In case you haven't figured it out... We're at a Rocky Horror Picture Show Event.. this day was freaking great! They played the movie while acting it out in the theater <3 I miss days like these. People come and go but there are those that even though you don't talk to EVERY day, make you feel like you just saw them the day before. I love this group. They're all my co-workers from when I use to work in the cafe; expect for Georgie and this french guy "Michell" which is pronounced "mee-chel" lol. Anyways I was skimming though some old pictures and I thought I'd share this one in particular. I'll be posting up more in manyfacesofadeliriousgal.blogspot.com 

Breast Cancer Walk

Breast Cancer Walk 2010

I went to the breast cancer walk this year <3 It was beautiful. I enjoy watching unity and strength. People of all kinds were there and supported one another. Wow... Just wow! Here are some shots I took along the way <3 Enjoy!

Delirious Gal

     A beautiful day it is... NEWS! I created a new blog.. although I will still be using this one.. I've decided that my new blog will consist of stories and my picture shenanigans of all sorts..  ^_^  the MANY FACES OF A DELIRIOUS GAL is up and running... don't hesitate to check it out.
     What's up with the weather.. it's all funkadelic these past few days. I just recently started skimming through books by Chuck Palahnuik.. a friend of mine recommended I read "Post Office" but I haven't been able to find it ANYWHERE.. tough nuggies huh?? Palahnuiks writing style is crazy! if you guys haven't heard of him, he's the original writer of "Fight Club". The guy is soOoo detailed! I love it <3 
     My mom has been bragging me to read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". It's suppose to help my thinking on how to manage my money and such. Since I moved out she's been worried that I don't have enough money to buy food, pay rent, buy clothes, etc... (she's my mother, so it's no surprise). This man named Raymond down at the cafe that I use to work at ALSO recommended I read it.. he says that if he would have read it back in "his day" he would be a millionaire today. Hmmmmm I'll consider it since my mom BOUGHT the book for me to read. 
     I look and look and look for new literature but always seem to come across cheesy vampire love crap. I need something different and exciting. I have a bookshelf at home that's beginning to overflow with books. I'm in NEED of SUGGESTIONS again!! <3

Reminiscing

Nancy Love Photography

     I've been in what I call "love-dovey" mode.. To be honest I can't help but hate it!
     Today I walked into work to find 3 weeks worth of filing on my fucking desk! Apparently my manager decided to keep them and revise them at "his" time and dump the load on me today! Ughhh I was so pissed... Lucky for me my co-worker Kathy decided to give me a helping hand. What does this have to do with what is on my mind? Nothing and everything all in one pretty much..
     I was remembering earlier today an observation I had while waiting for the subway on my way to the Hollywood Christmas Parade last year... the crisp smell of fall and a light yet very cold breeze that wept throughout the underground tunnels that ran the subway. I remember glancing over to see a man asking for money.. going from person to person.. ripped dirt-stained jeans and a jacket so thick it made his feeble body look buff. He approached me and asked if he I could spare him some change or some food.. I searched quickly in my bag for something to give him and came out empty handed.... when I looked up at him I saw the hunger in his eyes.. I ached with compassion for him.. and the fact that I didn't have any loose change killed me because I didn't want to be another face that just surpassed him with bull shit about not having money in my bag. I know there are many homeless out there.. but I happen to stumble upon this one and the look in his eyes just stabbed me with sadness.. Have you ever looked into someones eyes and in some way felt like you knew them without actually meeting them first?? 
     I was tripping out at all the thoughts that we're running through my head as I looked into his eyes.. the things he must've gone though.. what lurks in the night that we do not see whilst we sleep in our beds.. the feeling of gratitude when given a taste of a bitten sandwich.. 
    If I would've hugged him he would have probably thought of me as a freak show and never approach girls who look like me... but I felt like just hugging him! Like a little girl who sees a sad kitty and just wants to take it home and nurture it.. I couldn't help but feel that way and it drove me crazy! I walked over to my mom and asked her if she wouldn't mind I give him her "sun-chips".. and so she handed them over and I gave them to him.. he took them, smiled, and walked away saying "god bless"
     I'm not much of a religious gal, nor am I against it.. But I took that as a Thank You.

He's hanging in there <3

    

You and I.

Georgie 

Listen.. Speak.. Fall in Love babe.. 
Fuck what people will think of you.. 
or me.. 
or us. 
In the end it's you and I.
We.. 
Not them. 
Let them be and do as they want to.
I'm in love with you.. 
Remember that always... 

and forever* =P

I am trouble..

PCC art wall <3

Friend: I'm curious to meet that side of you..

Nancy: You curious Kat! You're gonna get us into trouble..

Friend: Haha I think I'm just trouble in general..

Nancy: I love it..

Friend: Ima hot mess and you know it babe.. At the moment im dowsing in my own vices and I must say I love it too. You only live once babe. Fuck trouble and consequence... It's about time. We took a risk.. So we might as well take it together.


Nancy: Fuck I hate it when you're right...

Lesson learned from conversation: To just go with the flow. Life truly is about time and what you make of it....


Love -Nancy

Sleazy Kid

Ontario, CA, Rain.. Outside a Costco parking lot on my way to visit an old friend of mine from San Francisco.

A wonder found in one or many

Serenity frees the mind

and I slowly fall into something governed  by rules I cannot comprehend.

Just two fucked up minds living in oblivious

stuck between the vividness of love and friendship..

painting midnight purple skies with music,

that of Billie Holiday and Louis Armstrong.

Shared stories of beautiful sorrows and haunting lullabies

roaming the streets 

smelling of cheap perfume and cigarettes

rupture is what guides us,

nihilism our faith,

and our privilege finally rots our divinity.

Acoustic melodies and sweet kisses...

our story remains untold,

lost in the midst of the past..

Perhaps one day we will find each other again

or maybe we'll just smile from a distance

seeing what we have, and wondering what could have been.

Either way...

A part of me will always love this

Sleazy kid.

Insirpation

Budget cut's Rally in Downtown Los Angeles

I haven't written a blog in the longest! Everything so far has been madness.. in a good way though.. I need to organize myself and make time for the beautiful things.. Any recommendations on a good book? story? movie? article perhaps? I need a project <3

Melancholy Day

    
 I didn't go to work today.. I feel sad.. I suppose it was about time I broke down.. Keeping my head up always helped, but putting on a mask of happiness just made me bottle everything in.. I don't know who I am anymore.. I use to be this girl who had something to look forward to, and now is just lost.. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for .. or if I'm looking for anything at all.. memories of my past haunt my everyday life.. like a beautiful lullaby with a sad melody painted across a midnight purple sky..
I've fallen once again and I don't know how to get up and start walking again.. My heart is barely breathing.. I wish there was someone I could just talk to.. I use to be so strong and independent.. today I feel weak and pathetic.. the thing is nothing tragic happened.. I just woke up feeling sad and I'm not sure why.. I decided to write what is on my mind and perhaps it will give me some clue..


     I was remembering the nights when we use to lay in the middle of the street listening to Billie Holiday, when you would fiddle playing acoustic songs on the guitar, I remember we would play in the jungle gym and stay on the swings until 3am talking about philosophy, the moon, the rocks, the stars.. we invented a language that only we two understood..

I received a message from a friend today.. she said that when she saw me yesterday I looked pale and thin.. my peers have been telling me that I don't seem to be as enthusiastic as I once was about life and beauty.. my mother says I seem to have a different smile.. I feel the same.. 


 Georgie is my everything.. He truly is..  I think he's the only person on this earth that can make me smile in an instant without even trying.. I don't like talking to him about my being melancholy because it breaks my heart to see him sad..


I have many friends but it's hard to really distinguish which ones are true and which ones will leave..

I was reminiscing on old photographs and came across a picture of me and Justin (rip) in line for a Gravy Train show.. gosh I miss him dearly..  because of him Georgie and I are where we are today.. he was a rock star in my eyes.. you should really hear him sing Voice of an Angel =) 

Theres a book that came to mind just now.. its called "Paint Me like I Am" and its by various poetry writers from around the world, I recommend reading it from beginning to end.. Im sure you'll find a poem that suits you perfectly.. mine is 'paint me like I am' .. I love how the poem ends.. anyways I'm signing off for now.. I need an adventure.. -Nancy Love

Ramblings

Photograph: Nancy Love and Joe Angeles

Ramblings Ramblings Ramblings!!! This is me..  bored.. I don't know about other people but when I begin to laugh hysterically and not have a reason to, it usually means my mind has gone insane and that I'm bored out of my misery. I miss the days where I didn't have a care in the world.. my mind was so innocent and filled with mystical creatures far beyond imagination itself.. is it so that society brainwashes us to be a certain person.. i guess in someway Yes but I do believe that it is up to one self to choose a path.. gosh i miss being a kid.. playing with my friends and complaining about having to do my homework first, being able to spin and spin in circles until you feel the world turn upside down. Then I grew up.. little by little.. and im still in progress.. it's true what they say about "there's a first time for everything" and the beauty of that is that you're never going to have a "first time" of the same thing.. First time you had a best friend.. first time you scraped your knees.. first time you got caught doing something you weren't suppose to....

First time you fell in love..

Wether it was with a complete stranger or maybe even your best friend.. there's never going to be such a feeling as the first time itself...  -Nancy Love

Photograph taken in Sacramento at a rally for school funding

Las Vegas mannequins

Sometimes the beauty in this world can be disguised in costumes that we cannot create..only admire and fall in love with.

Photo: Nancy n Georgie at Sea World

And So I Fell...

Nancy_Love Photography

"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry" -unknown

First time hanging out.. our main interest was photography so we had a photo session and this happened to be a random picture.. At the park.. there were ants on the floor!!! Eeeshk*

Oct 31,2009 Santa Monica Pier

Imancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind -Bob Marley

Live, Laugh, Love... it's beautiful

"Life is like photography, you gotta use the negatives to develope"
who is who and what is what if not sure and if so, how so?

I often ponder on whats real and whats not, if what's not real isn't really real then why does it exist in our minds? does that not make it real? just because something isn't there does that mean it's non-existant?

a child is filled with imagination and often see's the world for what it truly is.. I secretly think im a child trapped in my own body.. life is too beautiful to just let it surpass me.. but it can be just as cruel.. I often think about the strangest things in life and feel like an abnormal being towards society.. these so-called "blogs" that im typing up are just thoughts that run through my mind.. I find it it amazing how one can think of many things, type them up, and go back to reading what you were thinking about just 10 seconds ago.. in a sense it's like going back in time :)

I just recently started talking to my good old friend Ricky again and he was talking to me about how he missed our weird conversations, and i never thought of them as "weird"; just simply normal to me.. and I began to think about what it was that we use to talk about and I remember talking about buttons and how they're made, their purpose and use; how no one ever pays attention to the history behind the little things, and I am one to observe that of what no one else does; the backlight in reality.. I would bring up the string theory and how we are all just a bunch of cells and particles of atoms breathings for survival on this huge rock we call a 'planet', I don't have much to think about these days and i sometimes feel like my brain has given in to the rest of the world.. i know that all those questions and conversational topics are hidden in the back.. hmmm lets see.. The story of Bonnie and Clyde <3 that's often one of my favorites.. perhaps because it's a love story that i once fantasized about as an adolescent.. I hate that i'm a hopelessly romantic person.. I love being kissed and held by that one person that just makes you jump with excitement whenever you see them.. I reminisce on my past and how on wonderful it was to be a kid in love, laying down in the park picking flowers, observing people that looked funny, running into sprinklers in strangers' lawns, sneaking out at 2am on a school night just to be with them, holding up the line at photo booths just to take a whole bunch of pictures, taking long walks to places we've never been to, flipping mattresses in the middle of the street at midnight just to have the experience of laying down on a mattress outside.. listening to Billy Holiday and Louis Armstrong play on his trumpet, drawing cartoons of funny things in our notebooks, writing letters that were then hard to fold just to make them look cool, riding skateboards down to the riverbed, smoking blacks on the playground at 10pm, going on little adventures through down town LA, talking about cheesy love limericks and being a sucker for them... wow so much has happened its almost as if its all just a made up story in my head...

I met Georgie back in Feb 2008 at my friend Justin's wake.. I was introduced to him by some old friends of mine and thought nothing of it; just another person I meet.. a year later i was browsing through friends friends online and came across his picture and thought he looked familiar so i decided to re-introduce myself and just be another friendly face.. It's been 8 months now that we've been together, and we just fit! like when our hands come together they lock in perfect place, I without a doubt love this guy, and it sucks that he can never REALLY know how I feel about us, words just can't explain I guess, he drives me bonkers sometimes but like I said before.. "I love how you are my definition of love and all it's imperfections.. because perfect is just too pure.. and what is love if not madness of the heart" blahh okie maybe a little too cheesy, regardless of how it sounds it makes perfect sense to me, and he brings out the delirious lady inside of me.

I walked outside today and saw a flock of birds in the sky just roaming and flying so freely without stopping.. they looked so carless and radiant.. and i thought to myself.. 'here I am a person going to work and always complaining about how stress bring me down.. but truth is i only bring stress amongst myself, a friend of mine once said to me "Nancy... You don't HAVE TO do anything.. you do things out of necessity, no one makes you do things but yourself" and I'm one to always talk and dream about traveling and leaving California, just riding the rails to wherever they take me and start of fresh somewhere else.. and he told me "just do it Nancy" but it wasn't as easy as he made it sound.. I have my priorities here... ughh maybe I'm just over-thinking things.. it's okay.. my elders tell me "relax, you have time for that later, you have to start from the bottom up and build" but my question is... Do I?? Do I really have time later? I mean tomorrow isn't a for sure thing.. neither are plans.. I can only live off the present that by second is becoming my past.. but FUTURE?? it's not guaranteed.. I would love to live life everyday as if it where my last, but something always seems to get in the way.. now my only problem is learning how to overcome every obstacle that get's thrown at me, Ever since Justin past away I seem to have the James Dean saying "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today" stuck in my head... I guess for now all I can manage to do is make the best of every moment despite how lame it may sometimes be, "Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out" -Jack Buck

Blog poem #1

If i could run away with you, I would, lost in the midst of nothingness is when i began to look for myself, I felt alone in a crowd of close loved ones, it didn't make sense to me that a person like you could exist and had been there all along yet we both had been blinded by sight, everything is as it should be, the heart has what it wants, the beauty of conceding vulnerability is knowing that something can be taken away just as easily as it was given, the thought of knowing that i exist in your eyes is exhilarating, remembering what we've gone through excites me and gives me high hopes for the future, I love how you are my definition of love and all it's imperfections.. because perfect is just too pure.. and what is love if not madness of the heart.. sing me a lullaby and paint it with colors of those that have yet to be discovered.. lets dance the night away and fly into a world of insanity where only we two exist and nothing else..