Live, Laugh, Love... it's beautiful

"Life is like photography, you gotta use the negatives to develope"
who is who and what is what if not sure and if so, how so?

I often ponder on whats real and whats not, if what's not real isn't really real then why does it exist in our minds? does that not make it real? just because something isn't there does that mean it's non-existant?

a child is filled with imagination and often see's the world for what it truly is.. I secretly think im a child trapped in my own body.. life is too beautiful to just let it surpass me.. but it can be just as cruel.. I often think about the strangest things in life and feel like an abnormal being towards society.. these so-called "blogs" that im typing up are just thoughts that run through my mind.. I find it it amazing how one can think of many things, type them up, and go back to reading what you were thinking about just 10 seconds ago.. in a sense it's like going back in time :)

I just recently started talking to my good old friend Ricky again and he was talking to me about how he missed our weird conversations, and i never thought of them as "weird"; just simply normal to me.. and I began to think about what it was that we use to talk about and I remember talking about buttons and how they're made, their purpose and use; how no one ever pays attention to the history behind the little things, and I am one to observe that of what no one else does; the backlight in reality.. I would bring up the string theory and how we are all just a bunch of cells and particles of atoms breathings for survival on this huge rock we call a 'planet', I don't have much to think about these days and i sometimes feel like my brain has given in to the rest of the world.. i know that all those questions and conversational topics are hidden in the back.. hmmm lets see.. The story of Bonnie and Clyde <3 that's often one of my favorites.. perhaps because it's a love story that i once fantasized about as an adolescent.. I hate that i'm a hopelessly romantic person.. I love being kissed and held by that one person that just makes you jump with excitement whenever you see them.. I reminisce on my past and how on wonderful it was to be a kid in love, laying down in the park picking flowers, observing people that looked funny, running into sprinklers in strangers' lawns, sneaking out at 2am on a school night just to be with them, holding up the line at photo booths just to take a whole bunch of pictures, taking long walks to places we've never been to, flipping mattresses in the middle of the street at midnight just to have the experience of laying down on a mattress outside.. listening to Billy Holiday and Louis Armstrong play on his trumpet, drawing cartoons of funny things in our notebooks, writing letters that were then hard to fold just to make them look cool, riding skateboards down to the riverbed, smoking blacks on the playground at 10pm, going on little adventures through down town LA, talking about cheesy love limericks and being a sucker for them... wow so much has happened its almost as if its all just a made up story in my head...

I met Georgie back in Feb 2008 at my friend Justin's wake.. I was introduced to him by some old friends of mine and thought nothing of it; just another person I meet.. a year later i was browsing through friends friends online and came across his picture and thought he looked familiar so i decided to re-introduce myself and just be another friendly face.. It's been 8 months now that we've been together, and we just fit! like when our hands come together they lock in perfect place, I without a doubt love this guy, and it sucks that he can never REALLY know how I feel about us, words just can't explain I guess, he drives me bonkers sometimes but like I said before.. "I love how you are my definition of love and all it's imperfections.. because perfect is just too pure.. and what is love if not madness of the heart" blahh okie maybe a little too cheesy, regardless of how it sounds it makes perfect sense to me, and he brings out the delirious lady inside of me.

I walked outside today and saw a flock of birds in the sky just roaming and flying so freely without stopping.. they looked so carless and radiant.. and i thought to myself.. 'here I am a person going to work and always complaining about how stress bring me down.. but truth is i only bring stress amongst myself, a friend of mine once said to me "Nancy... You don't HAVE TO do anything.. you do things out of necessity, no one makes you do things but yourself" and I'm one to always talk and dream about traveling and leaving California, just riding the rails to wherever they take me and start of fresh somewhere else.. and he told me "just do it Nancy" but it wasn't as easy as he made it sound.. I have my priorities here... ughh maybe I'm just over-thinking things.. it's okay.. my elders tell me "relax, you have time for that later, you have to start from the bottom up and build" but my question is... Do I?? Do I really have time later? I mean tomorrow isn't a for sure thing.. neither are plans.. I can only live off the present that by second is becoming my past.. but FUTURE?? it's not guaranteed.. I would love to live life everyday as if it where my last, but something always seems to get in the way.. now my only problem is learning how to overcome every obstacle that get's thrown at me, Ever since Justin past away I seem to have the James Dean saying "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today" stuck in my head... I guess for now all I can manage to do is make the best of every moment despite how lame it may sometimes be, "Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out" -Jack Buck