I'm Back Baby

NancyLove

  

     We were young and stupid. Full of life and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. The times where nights seemed endless and cigarettes were illegal for us.

     You took out a pipe and introduced me to another world... one that was non-existant to me. You looked into my eyes, softly caressed the hair away from my cheek and said "take a hit my darling, you're gonna feel groovy". 

     The world spun in circles around me, and the floor was fifty feet below my waist. The air became thick and musty; my throat dry. The things I've seen will chase me to the grave. I developed skills no one's ever heard of. Fetching sunflowers with your hands tied. My body went numb; I closed my eyes and I was four years old again. I saw my mother smiling at me while she gestured for me to come. My visions were on mute but the music from the gig played in the background. She was wearing her cherry red lipstick, white top, and red skirt. I blinked my eye-lids and I was in a different room. I saw my cousins playing and sharing laughter. My aunt then left to pick up the older kids from school and left me and my little cousin Mary in the apartment with a man named Thomas that comes by to chat every once in a while. He looked at me and told me I was a pretty little girl with dark brown hair and big brown eyes, he said "get closer so could see them in the sunlight." I obeyed.... He then then told me to give him a kiss on the lips to make him smile. I felt my cheeks burn and my body go stiff; I didn't want to do it. He brought me closer and forced the taste of my lips onto his. Tears streamed down my eyes. He didn't care. He then held my hand and walked me into the bedroom where Mary was sleeping. He pulled down my pants then told me he was going to pull down his and that we were going to dance. He pulled out his penis and placed it between my legs without inserting me. He swayed me slowly side to side while he caressed my feeble body. I told him I felt sad because Momma told me not to let anyone touch me like that and I felt like I had disobeyed her. He told me not to tell anyone because it will make momma angry. He then went into the bathroom and jerked himself off.

     Scum bastard. 

     I regained my conscious and tears ran down my cheek. Sweetheart shook me and asked me what was wrong. I told him it was the drugs fucking with my emotions is all. 

     I still remember the day after the incident; father was driving me back to my aunts so she could babysit me for the day once again. I began to throw a tantrum, he asked me why I didn't want to go and I told him I saw Thomas' private area and that I was feeling horrible. My father got angry and yelled at me assuming I had gone into the bathroom without knocking. I told him that Thomas had shown it to me; father rolled his eyes and told me to stop lying because liars get punished. 

     I couldn't believe that my own flesh and blood defended that poor excuse of a man. I dropped it and never spoke of it again. 

     Second grade approached and I asked momma how babies where made. She explained the process in minor details and it took me a while to get my words together and then I (a seven year old kid who didn't know the time it took to actually grow a baby) finally confessed that I was pregnant. She asked me why I thought so and I explained to her what had happened three years ago. She started to cry deliriously and called my aunt on the phone. I sat in a corner of the room while I listened to her cursing on the phone for letting a stranger look after us. The news got to my dad; he was the angriest I have ever seen him. He went to the apartment where the man lived and banged on the door like a mad man, he was going to kill him. He told me he was, but by then the man had fled and was never heard from again.

     He haunts my dreams sometimes you know... There's been several nights where I see him walking at night in search for me. He hovers over me and stands in the shadows watching me as I sleep. I wake up shaking and my body feels cold. This anguish I feel is stuck with me and I can't seem to let it go.

      I feel like yelling, painting. I want to try new things... and I'm very disappointed in myself… I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I can't help and notice my peers getting somewhere and I just feel stuck… yes I'm going to school and working and yes I don't live with my parents but I can't help but feel the way I do…. I thirst for new experiences, something different for a change. I would like to turn those "I want's" into "I am". I just can't seem to push myself to doing so. I don't know who I am anymore :/

     My friend Sammy told me "there's a difference between BEING alone and feeling lonely". And even though I have Georgie, my family and people that I talk to; I feel so alone; I'm lost and I can't find my place. I need help finding out where I belong. IF I belong that is. I'm a pretty random miss and get easily sick of routine so there's probably no particular place for me to stay permanently. I'm in search for a new revolution and all it's vices.

     I fear the thoughts that run through my mind. Malice, poverty, love... I can't pinpoint what I see... Sometimes I think I might have Dysthymia. I feel I need help... it's an ongoing battle with myself, but I'm not sure if talking to a stranger or taking medication would make things any better aside from me not existing as a person but rather an observation. 

     I have to learn to cope with life once again. I have fallen many times and I'm trying to find ways to overcome these obstacles because going around them won't make them go away. Gahhh... Shenanigans of mine. None of it makes sense... so why am I being like this.

You are the person I trusted most in the world. You always comforted me in ways no one else did. I'm glad we're still good friends. We made a promise when we were 12 and till this day you've kept it. I wish you knew what's become of me. I wonder if you would be proud or disappointed.