A want for freedom

     Crazy, beautiful, fucked up world we live in. Every news stand has articles on how someone got shot due to racism, how someone got arrested for standing up for their rights, undocumented students protesting for equality on their education, gays fighting for their right to get married, people wanting to stop the budget cuts and hoping our future generation has opportunity to progress.      
      It bums me out seeing that human beings have to fight for their freedom. It’s all business, but it has to be done and our voices have to be heard. With love, comes hate… if their were no hate, we wouldn’t be able to distinguish love. 

     Rape is a also a huge issue that crosses my mind… go fuck yourself! Don’t have sex with a person against their will, wether it be a man, woman, child, or simply an intoxicated person. I don’t care if you have a stupid fetish or you just “couldn’t help yourself”… THINK TWICE YOU FUCKTART. People are being dumped in trash bins, drowned in rivers, buried alive, cut into pieces, etc. etc. all because some stupid fuck wanted to jerk their dick off for a few seconds. Lousy sacs of shit need to regulate.

   Onto another topic…It kills me seeing homeless people asking for food, especially if I don’t have anything to offer them. I don’t, however, feel sorry for the ones that I catch talking on a cell phone or buying cigarettes and booze. It’s like ‘dude! you could’ve saved that money to feed buy food!’

     Better yourself. Seek opportunities and strive to get to where you want to be. If you don’t have a job and need money, recycle or make little things you could possibly sell. There’s always a way… There was a guy named Elian who came from Argentina with his acoustic-electric guitar and played down at Santa Monica pier every summer, one night my friend and I decided to dance to his music… little by little a crowd started to gather and some even joined in and danced as well. At the end of his performance he got a bunch of tips in his guitar case and he gave my friend and I $5 each and one of his CDs worth $15… we gave his money back (because really, we were just dancing for our benefit) and kept the CDs. 

     Live for a better tomorrow… make some memories. 

     I don’t regret doing half the stupid shit I’ve done in my past, because in all honesty… those are the moments I remember best and laugh on today.

     I have my “someday I will…” list. I’m always saying how “I wish this..” and how “I wish that…”. I’ve decided to put a stop to this nonsense of mine and act on it instead. Like for instance…  Someday I will…

• publish my own article 
• learn to play chess 
• start my own band
• brew my own beer
• go skinny dipping at midnight in France, etc. etc.

Things like that…  

     I’m signing off for now

 Ps: All photographs were taken by me :)

Wonderful

     I made this video for my friend Ruben who lives in San Francisco. He's the biggest Lady Gaga fan I know and he chose the song "Wonderful" for his video... this video mainly consists of parts of Los Angeles and my family and friends... the cartoon is called Bongo and it's a story played in the disney movie Fun and Fancy Free <3 

"Quote Of The Week"

"BELIEVE AND ACT AS IF IT WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO FAIL" -Charles F. Kettering

I'm Back Baby

NancyLove

  

     We were young and stupid. Full of life and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. The times where nights seemed endless and cigarettes were illegal for us.

     You took out a pipe and introduced me to another world... one that was non-existant to me. You looked into my eyes, softly caressed the hair away from my cheek and said "take a hit my darling, you're gonna feel groovy". 

     The world spun in circles around me, and the floor was fifty feet below my waist. The air became thick and musty; my throat dry. The things I've seen will chase me to the grave. I developed skills no one's ever heard of. Fetching sunflowers with your hands tied. My body went numb; I closed my eyes and I was four years old again. I saw my mother smiling at me while she gestured for me to come. My visions were on mute but the music from the gig played in the background. She was wearing her cherry red lipstick, white top, and red skirt. I blinked my eye-lids and I was in a different room. I saw my cousins playing and sharing laughter. My aunt then left to pick up the older kids from school and left me and my little cousin Mary in the apartment with a man named Thomas that comes by to chat every once in a while. He looked at me and told me I was a pretty little girl with dark brown hair and big brown eyes, he said "get closer so could see them in the sunlight." I obeyed.... He then then told me to give him a kiss on the lips to make him smile. I felt my cheeks burn and my body go stiff; I didn't want to do it. He brought me closer and forced the taste of my lips onto his. Tears streamed down my eyes. He didn't care. He then held my hand and walked me into the bedroom where Mary was sleeping. He pulled down my pants then told me he was going to pull down his and that we were going to dance. He pulled out his penis and placed it between my legs without inserting me. He swayed me slowly side to side while he caressed my feeble body. I told him I felt sad because Momma told me not to let anyone touch me like that and I felt like I had disobeyed her. He told me not to tell anyone because it will make momma angry. He then went into the bathroom and jerked himself off.

     Scum bastard. 

     I regained my conscious and tears ran down my cheek. Sweetheart shook me and asked me what was wrong. I told him it was the drugs fucking with my emotions is all. 

     I still remember the day after the incident; father was driving me back to my aunts so she could babysit me for the day once again. I began to throw a tantrum, he asked me why I didn't want to go and I told him I saw Thomas' private area and that I was feeling horrible. My father got angry and yelled at me assuming I had gone into the bathroom without knocking. I told him that Thomas had shown it to me; father rolled his eyes and told me to stop lying because liars get punished. 

     I couldn't believe that my own flesh and blood defended that poor excuse of a man. I dropped it and never spoke of it again. 

     Second grade approached and I asked momma how babies where made. She explained the process in minor details and it took me a while to get my words together and then I (a seven year old kid who didn't know the time it took to actually grow a baby) finally confessed that I was pregnant. She asked me why I thought so and I explained to her what had happened three years ago. She started to cry deliriously and called my aunt on the phone. I sat in a corner of the room while I listened to her cursing on the phone for letting a stranger look after us. The news got to my dad; he was the angriest I have ever seen him. He went to the apartment where the man lived and banged on the door like a mad man, he was going to kill him. He told me he was, but by then the man had fled and was never heard from again.

     He haunts my dreams sometimes you know... There's been several nights where I see him walking at night in search for me. He hovers over me and stands in the shadows watching me as I sleep. I wake up shaking and my body feels cold. This anguish I feel is stuck with me and I can't seem to let it go.

      I feel like yelling, painting. I want to try new things... and I'm very disappointed in myself… I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I can't help and notice my peers getting somewhere and I just feel stuck… yes I'm going to school and working and yes I don't live with my parents but I can't help but feel the way I do…. I thirst for new experiences, something different for a change. I would like to turn those "I want's" into "I am". I just can't seem to push myself to doing so. I don't know who I am anymore :/

     My friend Sammy told me "there's a difference between BEING alone and feeling lonely". And even though I have Georgie, my family and people that I talk to; I feel so alone; I'm lost and I can't find my place. I need help finding out where I belong. IF I belong that is. I'm a pretty random miss and get easily sick of routine so there's probably no particular place for me to stay permanently. I'm in search for a new revolution and all it's vices.

     I fear the thoughts that run through my mind. Malice, poverty, love... I can't pinpoint what I see... Sometimes I think I might have Dysthymia. I feel I need help... it's an ongoing battle with myself, but I'm not sure if talking to a stranger or taking medication would make things any better aside from me not existing as a person but rather an observation. 

     I have to learn to cope with life once again. I have fallen many times and I'm trying to find ways to overcome these obstacles because going around them won't make them go away. Gahhh... Shenanigans of mine. None of it makes sense... so why am I being like this.

You are the person I trusted most in the world. You always comforted me in ways no one else did. I'm glad we're still good friends. We made a promise when we were 12 and till this day you've kept it. I wish you knew what's become of me. I wonder if you would be proud or disappointed.

Curious Kat

Las Vegas: There was this big sign that said REVOLUTION I used the EVOL and flipped it <3 lol

    
     Curiosity killed the cat... did the surprise really bring him back??... I was thinking about everything that happened last year (2010) the thing that changed me the most was falling in love... pretty cheesy huh?? How do I know I'm in love?  well for many reason and no legit reason at all... this is where I begin to rant...  is it possible to fall in love at age 12?? perhaps it's what grown ups called "puppy love"?? what's the meaning of that phrase anyway?? Well whatever it may mean, this kiid drove me crazy. He was full of life and always had a story to tell... He never made me feel like I might lose him to another girl, or he would always make me number one on his "list". My family always told me "Family Comes First"... but to us, this "love" was so real that our "family" came second and "we" came first, because we so strongly believed that in the future "we" were going to be all we really needed.
     My dad put him through a lot of shit I might add, being that he was my first official boyfriend and all so of course he was going to take advantage of the opportunity.
     I realize that many of my blogs are usually about my reminiscing. Oh gosh, I don't know where to go with this... Sometimes I miss that thrill of "not wanting to get caught by my parents". I'm 20 years old!!! Is that part of my life really over?? There are many times where I just want to rebel against myself; do things I would never do, take an effect on people, and just cause destruction all around. I didn't date a lot and I've only ever had 4 boyfriends in the past. I'm really okay with that; if anything I want to keep that number as low as possible.
     I do believe in the "one guy, one girl" thing (or if your gay then one guy one guy one girl one girl haha). I miss endless mornings talking about nonsense; not having to worry about work the next day, or that you're getting no where in life.
     I don't know... something just doesn't feel right. I have my up's and my downs, but this.. this feels different. Can guys and girls ever be "friends" once they've been a "couple". On some level I think it's possible, but there's always that HISTORY between you, sometimes you can't help but bring it up, and look back and smile at what once was. I suppose there's no harm in that.. or is there?? would it be like having a spark and the possibility of starting a fire up?? Not if you're IN love though right?? Should it be that if you're IN love that it shouldn't matter what or whom tries to come between you, because regardless, you can overcome ANY obstacle.
     I believe so <3 

The Red Head

Nancy Love Photography

     This red head is on a mission to better herself; enough with bull shit, it comes and goes. I started school this past monday, I quit my pathetic job, and as you can see... I went Red. My situation now is looking for a part-time job and figuring out how I will be paying for rent and gas. Fuck. On the bright side... well I'm not sure what the bright side is just yet. I've been in the mood to take a train somewhere.. just for a day. I would like to meet beautiful strangers that I could call friends. I'm trying to get into photography like I was before; work drained me, I felt my mind go into that numb stage when you're drunk. 

I'm born again. I can breathe a little. Life is my instrument... all I have to do... is play.